Florida Man's General Store in Cultivation World



Chapter 94 – Florida Man Proved Innocence after Karen Neighbor Accused Him of Having Intercourse with Horse, Her Husband Did

"Hmm."

"Smash?"

Leo and Taxi gazed at the unconscious people on the first floor. He noticed several familiar faces in the crowd. Xu Nuan, Yao Qiqi, and a few young maidens were defenseless. Han Hao, Han Meng, Tiger Swordsman, and disciples of the Life Sword Sect collapsed on the floor and their mouths foamed.

"Haiya."

Leo put on rubber gloves and adjusted their sleeping posture. He let them sleep on their sides so that they could breathe easier. In addition, he sacrificed a few years of lifespan to purchase soft pillows for them.

After helping the sick people, Leo proceeded forward. He walked toward the staircase, which was located at the north of the hall.

As Leo took a few steps closer to the stairs, his skin got somewhat itchy. He felt like some sort of mold tried to grow on his skin. Because of the itchiness, Leo brought back his hazmat suit and a gas mask. After putting them on, Leo got more confident.

Taxi tilted his head as he couldn't understand why Leo put on clothes. He believed that it would be better for Leo to be naked so that it would be easier for Taxi to leech on Leo's virgin yang Qi.

"Smash?"

Leo patted his suit to check if there was no leak. When Leo was ready, he walked up the stairs and got to the second floor. Taxi also followed him even though the small staircase was not made for a horse.

The second floor, third floor, and the following floors contained nothing. However, the stairs of every floor were located on the opposite side of the hall. Thus, Leo and Taxi had to walk across the halls every time he headed to the next level.

After walking through five floors, Leo got annoyed. He lightly jogged and picked up the pace. Taxi saw it as a challenge. He neighed and charged ahead, accelerating through the halls and stairs.

Ignoring the insignificant pressure from the pagoda, both man and horse proceeded through the first 49 floors in minutes. However, when they reached the 50th floor, Taxi and Leo stopped racing.

They stood in front of a large unicorn statue. The figure raised its front two legs high as if it was about to leap across a ravine or an obstacle. The hind legs and its body were more muscular and larger than Taxi. However, the majestic icon of every unicorn was half broken as the statue's horn was missing.

Leo admired the art and walked around its foundation. While he was at it, he stroked the smooth surface of the silver-like metal that was used as a square foundation for the figure.

On the other hand, Taxi gazed at the statue in a daze. It brightly smiled and neighed.

"SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!!!"

Leo frowned and looked at the weird unicorn, "Wut da hail? Are you insane? This is a statue, not a sex doll. You cannot smash a rock statue's ass, or your PP will be scratched, Haiya."

"SMAAAAASSSHH!!"

"…"

For some reason, Taxi got overexcited. Leo frowned and looked at the statue's face, wondering what the weird horse liked about it.

Then, Leo understood why – The horse statue's eyes moved, and it stared at him.

CRACK

The stone horse statue changed its posture. Instead of raising its two front hooves, it stood firm and faced directly at Leo.

"Surprise boss fight?" Leo smirked. He expected some action as he was bored running.

BOOM

Betraying Leo's expectation, the statue imploded, condensing into a white marble ball the size of a thumb. Then, it floated in front of Leo.

"Hah?!" Leo's disappointment was immeasurable, and his day was ruined. He turned to Taxi, asking him about the marble, "Hey. Do you know what this is?"

Taxi widely grinned, "Smash!"

"…"

"Smash!!"

Leo rubbed his temples. He wondered if Taxi literally meant it, so he brought it closer to his eyes to take a closer look. Leo pulled off his mask and helmet so that they wouldn't get in the way.

PLOP

As soon as the marble got close to Leo, it dissipated into gas. Then, the gas directly entered Leo's nostrils and mouth, becoming one with his body.

Leo snorted and licked the ceiling of his mouth. The gas tasted like low-quality cocaine he used to have when he was young. It brought him bad memories and reminded him of the darkest era of his life.

"Haiya. I'm glad I died and quit those. I was so stupid back then. I even snorted MSG when I was drunk. What was I thinking?"

While Leo's ADHD kicked in and made him absentminded, the system gave him a notification message.

<You acquired the linguistic knowledge of the Thunderous Smasher Tribe.>

"…"

Leo dully stared at the name. Then, he glanced at Taxi. The latter brightly smiled and showed Leo his teeth.

"Smash? XD"

Leo pursed his lips and deeply sighed. At long last, he finally understood its language.

"No, Taxi. I ain't gonna rub it on your back or your crack. Get your mind out of the gutter, damn horse!"

"… Smash. D:"

"And no. You can't rub it on me either. That's gay and wrong AF."

Leo rolled his eyes as he gave up on Taxi's perversion. He proceeded to the next floor. However, as he got minor emotional damage from the language, Leo was no longer enthusiastic about speed-running the pagoda anymore.

.

.

The tower climbing process was slow after Leo stopped running. He took his time, walking across one hall after another. A few hours later, Leo and Taxi reached the 100th floor.

Once again, Leo and Taxi found another unicorn statue. They also spotted two cultivators there, resting and meditating under the statue.

As Hua Jiashan and Dongfang Mei noticed Leo's presence, they opened their eyes and gazed at the newcomer. But upon seeing a 9th-stage unicorn next to Leo, they were surprised.

"Isn't that… Thunder Unicorn?! How is it here?!" Dongfang Mei stood up from her wheelchair, but she got lightheaded. The elder fell back on her chair and rubbed her forehead.

Hua Jiashan stood in front of Dongfang Mei. He confronted Leo.

"Sir Florida Man, I don't know that you'd be here, too. But why are you with that Thunder Unicorn? Do you know that Thunder Unicorns are dangerous species? They always leech one's virgin yin or yang until they die! They will never leave until either you lose your virginity or deplete your Qi first."

Hearing that Taxi would go away if he lose his virginity, Leo's expression turned dark. He coughed and feigned ignorant.

"You don't have to worry about that. I… have some experience."

"Is it?" Hua Jiashan narrowed his eyes, not believing in Leo.

"It is. You get the wrong idea."

"Hmm."

Hua Jiashan looked back and forth between Taxi and Leo. He didn't think that was the case there as Taxi didn't seem hostile to either Leo or them. Moreover, Hua Jiashan and Dongfang Mei used to have a lover, and they weren't pure. Therefore, the unicorn could kill them at any moment.

"Smash?" Taxi sneered at Hua Jiashan as it sensed the hostility in the latter's eyes.

Once again, Leo rolled his eyes, "No, you cannot put it in his virgin crack."

"Smash! XD"

"Also, no. I will never join your twisted orgy! Jesus Christ, you need help!"

Leo facepalmed. He was ashamed of his new pet's behavior, and he didn't know what to say to Hua Jiashan and the elder lady stranger.

Meanwhile, Hua Jiashan was sharp. He noticed Leo's familiar tone and his ability to communicate with the unicorn. Seeing that Leo had it under control, Hua Jiashan was relieved.

"I see that you've managed to tame the thunder unicorn. Congratulations," Hua Jiashan saluted.

"Tame him? More like he's a stalker. This mofo wants nothing but beastially actions."

"…"

Hua Jiashan and Dongfang Mei were taken aback by Leo's openness on this topic. In the cultivation world, the locals were similar to traditional Asians - Commoners and cultivators were more usually reserved in this matter, and they rarely discussed it in public.

Hearing Leo mention the topic made them uncomfortable. Still, they pretended that they didn't hear it as they were afraid of Leo and the horse.

Dongfang Mei saluted and introduced herself, "Hello, sir. My name is Dongfang Mei. You must be Immortal Florida Man that I heard about. Thank you very much for taking care of Xu Nuan and her disciples."

"Don't mention it," Leo waved his hand as he didn't want to chat. He looked at the statue behind them.

Again, the statue's eyes fixated on Leo for an unknown reason. Leo looked back and briefly competed in a staring contest.

RUMBLE

A few seconds later, the statue moved.

"WHAT?!"

Hua Jiashan and Dongfang Mei turned around and realized that the statue moved. The former pushed the wheelchair away from the marble horse.

BOOM

The statue imploded, reducing to a small marble. Once again, it floated in front of Leo, waiting for him to take it.

As Leo had one before, he didn't hesitate to accept it. He put it closer to his nose, wondering if it would turn into cocaine again.

POOF

Leo wasn't disappointed. It vanished into gas, and he inhaled everything. This time, it tasted and smelled like wasabi. The smell hit his brain and his eyes. He shut the eyelids and massaged his nose, resisting the exploding spiciness.

The torture continued for five minutes. However, it was worth the trouble.

DING

<You have unlocked a unique building – Thunder Wasabi Farm.>

<Tips: Thunder Wasabi Farm can produce Thunder Unicorn's favorite food – Thunder Wasabi.>

"… This is convenient."

Leo wondered if the tower was made for a unicorn owner. He turned to Taxi and hopped on him. Then, he slapped its butt.

"I'm too lazy to walk. Bring me to the next statue or the top floor, whatever comes first."

"SMASH! XD"

Taxi laughed and charged toward the stairs to the next floor, leaving Hua Jiashan and Dongfang Mei behind. Meanwhile, the two elders looked at them leave in astonishment.

Dongfang Mei wiped the sweat on her forehead. She looked at Hua Jiashan, "You have an eccentric neighbor, Hua Jiashan."

"… Nah. He's just… unique."