I will not die!

When I was very young, because there were no entertainment activities at home, my brother often took me out to play with other people’s children. He would take me to play with other people's game consoles, bicycles, and other weird toys.

At that time, my brother could be said to be the boss among the children, whether it was games, sports, or anything else, as long as it was a competition , he is always number one.

Especially tree climbing. Although it is a very dangerous activity in the eyes of adults, it is an important outlet for our desire to win. The reason is simply because there are only those who can climb the bare tree trunk except my brother. There is no one else.

When there are no branches to hold on to, most children are like me. They grab the trunk and fall down, unable to climb up at all. But my brother is different. His arms are like a gecko. As long as he lies on it He will never fall down if he reaches it. Even if it is a bare tree trunk with nothing, he can still climb up it.

My brother's highest achievement in tree climbing was to climb to the top of a pear tree more than four meters high. At that time, in the eyes of our group of children.

That's simply Superman.

I am proud to have such a brother, and I also hope that one day I can be like him and impress everyone.

It's a ridiculous wish, and every time I think about it, I feel so ashamed that I want to cover my head with a quilt.

But fortunately, I don’t have the ability or ambition to realize this wish. Over time, my desires have gone from being visible to being invisible.

Perhaps because he didn’t want to waste his tree-climbing talent, my brother often used this skill to get me some benefits. At that time, there were very few fruit trees nearby that we hadn’t visited, and the reason why we didn’t visit them was definitely not my brother. We can't climb it, but the tree is not worthy of our patronage.

Every time I take various fruits from my brother's hands and feel their heavy weight, I always think that one day I can pick fruits from the tree with him and share the fruits with others. Enough.

The freshly picked fruits are the sweetest and can be swallowed happily even if they are sour.

Now, I haven't experienced that sweetness for a long time.

My brother has climbed trees many times and picked fruits for me many times. The last time he picked fruits for me were peaches, which were not very ripe and tasted a little bitter.

It was evening, and he saw that the peaches on the tree had grown quite big, so he wanted to pick a few and taste them to see if they were ripe.

As usual, he picks at the top and I pick at the bottom. His skills were very strong and he climbed up in a few seconds, even compared with the monkey. He grabbed a branch with one hand and picked the peaches on the side with the other hand. He picked a few of the largest and reddest ones, five or six of them. My pocket couldn't fit them in, so I could only hold them with my hands.

Then, he smiled and asked me to step aside. He was about to come down. I obeyed and watched him hug the thick trunk with his hands and move down little by little. Everything was as usual. But suddenly, he may have been anxious, and he lost his grip and fell to the ground on all fours. I held the peach and stepped forward to check the situation. He turned over crookedly and then supported it with his hands. The ground slowly stood up. He held the tree trunk with one hand and patted the dust off his body with the other. Then he suddenly turned his head and smiled at me, telling me not to tell my parents about this.

I nodded. I understood that if my parents found out about this, they would definitely get beaten and scolded. Then, we went home together. I followed him, and I felt that his pace was a little slow, but there was nothing wrong with it. Think more.

It was already very late at that time, and the sunset was glowing red. I found that there was still some dust on my brother’s body that had not been cleaned off, but I didn’t tell him. I just held the peaches in my hand silently and watched the sunset covering them and my brother with a dazzling layer. The red color is a color I will never forget.

That night, we had a normal meal, went to bed normally, and slept normally. It wasn't until late in the night that I was suddenly awakened by a burst of hurried talking, and a strong white light penetrated my eyes. I barely opened my eyes, and I could only vaguely see my parents who seemed to be busy with something anxiously. Soon, they went out, and the surroundings suddenly became quiet. A strong sense of sleep invaded my brain, and I fell asleep again under the light.

Until I woke up again, it was completely bright, but there was no one around, neither my parents nor my brother. I turned off the light, got out of bed and looked for traces of them. I looked from inside to outside the house, but they were nowhere to be seen.

Maybe he'll be back soon. I thought so, and then went to bed again, but I couldn't fall asleep. I got up and wanted to find some food to fill my stomach, but I rummaged through the refrigerator and found only some half-eaten vegetables, and nothing that could be eaten directly. But I don't know how to cook.

Suddenly, I thought of the peaches from yesterday. I have been putting them away since I got them home, and I haven’t eaten them until now.

I washed the peach and gnawed it directly. Although the fuzz on it was a bit prickly, I didn’t want to peel it, mainly because I almost peeled off a piece of flesh when peeling the fruit before. After that, I rarely used a knife to peel or hold a knife.

After eating a slightly bitter peach, I felt that my stomach was full and I should be able to hold on until they come back. However, when I ate all the peaches, they didn't come back.

I endured my hunger and kept waiting like this. I even cried twice in the process, thinking that they didn't want me anymore. Finally, in the evening, I finally saw their figures.

It's mom and dad, they're back.

I ran over happily, and just when I saw their faces clearly, I wanted to ask them where they had been today, but what greeted me was my mother's slap with such force that I was spinning and my eyes were filled with stars. From the time I was beaten to the moment my mother walked up behind me, the whole process took only a blink of an eye, but this moment is a memory that I will never forget.

My face hurts. It hurts more than falling on my face on the concrete floor. It hurts more than when I was burned by fire when I was playing with fire. My ears buzzed, as if countless bugs were stuffed into my brain. There was so much noise in my head that years later I learned it was called tinnitus. But the pain and ringing in my ears were nothing compared to the appetizers I felt.

I will never forget the flash in my mother’s eyes. It was a look that was ten thousand times scarier than the evil ghost on TV. It was a look that wanted to kill me. I will never forget that silent evening after the tinnitus ended. It was as if someone had killed the world. My ears could not hear any sounds from the surrounding environment. It was like a deathly silence, only the dead. Things do not make any sound. This is the rule of the world that I have known since I was very young.

No, there is a sound that I can still hear, not only can I hear it, but I can hear it very clearly, frighteningly clearly.

That was the sound of my heartbeat, an extremely clear heartbeat, as if to confirm that I was still alive. However, in the quiet evening when the world seemed to have died, this heartbeat was more terrifying than any howling ghost or wolf.

I stood frozen in place, without making any movement for a long time. The cold and fear made me forget everything, forget that I was born as a human being, and forget that I was still alive. I don’t know how long I stayed like this, but one thing was extremely clear..

The moon that night was beautiful and very close, as if you could reach out and touch it.

When I was three years old, I lost my brother, who was six years older than me, and gained a beautiful night of only this page.

Not long after I got home, my mother called me as if she knew in advance. The content of what she said was the same as usual. It might be a bit inadequate to say that the parents were short-lived. During the conversation, my father's voice came from time to time on the other end of the phone, seemingly asking my mother to ask something, but my mother angrily refused.

"are you still listening……"My mother said a long story, during which I never replied.

"Um"

"So be it……"

"Um"

"Will come back during the Chinese New Year?"

"should be"

"Well...remember to pray more and pray more"

"Um."

Finally hung up the phone. I covered my forehead with my hand and lay on the bed. I didn't want to move at all. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to lie quietly like this.

Speaking of which, it seems that my mother began to believe in God at that time. She I was afraid that I would enter the Shourentian after death. It is said that there is chaos there, and life in it would be worse than death. I was also afraid that my brother would not be able to enter the Wuwutian. Only Wuwutian is the place where people should be.

She almost made me believe in God at the same time as her. Yes, as long as we pray sincerely, God will fulfill all our wishes.

The first wish I prayed for was that my brother would come back to life.

They said it would happen, but it would be a long time later, and they didn’t know how long.

Then I prayed that I could squirt. Fire, because it looks cool.

They said yes, as long as I was sincere enough.

I thought I was sincere enough, but a few years later, nothing changed about me.

Later, they said that God mainly protects our peace. , protect us from all kinds of suffering.

What kind of suffering is it specifically? They said that it is the various diseases in the body.

But I obviously pray very sincerely every day, why do I still catch a cold every three days?

They say that I am not sincere enough.

Then What is enough?

They say that when I stop getting sick all the time, that means enough is enough.

……

I think I might not be able to enter Wuwangtian.

……

Although my mind didn't want to move, my body still got into bed honestly. As more and more cold came to my door quickly, my feet almost lost feeling. It was still very cold when I first got into bed, but after about half an hour, it finally became warm again.

I wanted to just go to bed without brushing my teeth, taking a shower, or studying, but in the end I got up again and brushed my teeth.Tooth took a bath and then turned on the computer. Recently, there is a mathematical problem that has been bothering me. Although the solution provided by AI works, it does not have the effect I want. However, I have been mentally retarded in mathematics since I was a child. I have been studying until late at night without thinking. Come up with solutions.

As a result, it is still deserted today. Moreover, I have been busy for most of the day, and I have completely lost my sleepiness.

I was lying on the bed tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep. From time to time, the sound of when my name was called today would be heard in my mind...

Guangyuan, Guangyuan...

These two words kept bombarding my ears, which made me confused. terribly upset. very noisy.

I rarely call people by their names. I usually say anything directly in front of the other person. It would be great if they could be like me, so that I wouldn't keep thinking of those voices today.

No, in the final analysis I am the one to blame. If I could just sleep through my sleepiness after returning home, this mess wouldn't have happened. Why should I deceive myself and others by trying hard when it is clear that all my hard work will be in vain in the end?

So stupid.

That night, I couldn't sleep for a long time, and I didn't fall asleep until it was slightly light.

In the end, I simply gave up and rewarded myself with a carton of milk when I got up. From the location of my room, I couldn’t see the sun rising, but I could still see a little bit of light outside. I sat on the bed, watching the sky get brighter, while drinking. Sweet milk.

Suddenly, I remembered a song I often listened to before.

Even though day has come, I still don’t know what night is.

Was the person who wrote these lyrics also experiencing such a sleepless night at that time?